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Copyright © 1998 by Nick Zagone

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[At lights up a MAN stands waiting for a woman sitting at her desk. She cries while typing on her computer. She sees the man waiting. He waves. She cleans up and takes the “CLOSED” sign off her desk.]

WOMAN: Can I help you?

MAN: Yes you can! I just moved here from out of state and I need a new driver’s license and registration.

WOMAN: All right. Any tickets in the last four years?

MAN: No…

WOMAN: Any arrests?

MAN: Nope.

WOMAN: Warrants?

MAN: No.

WOMAN: Convictions?

MAN: No.

WOMAN: Single?

MAN: What?

WOMAN: Marital status. Single?

MAN: Yes, how’d you…?

WOMAN: No ring. Divorced or Gay?

MAN: What?

WOMAN: It’s a new Gallup survey. Divorced or Gay?

MAN: Gallup survey…? I don’t see what…

WOMAN: Divorced or Gay!

MAN: Neither! Single! Never been married! Hetero!

WOMAN: Past relationships?

MAN: I don’t see what this has to do with…?

WOMAN: Only take a moment. Any past long-term intimate relationships please?

MAN: Like heavy duty? [WOMAN nods.] Well of course…

WOMAN: How many? One. Two. Or more than one or two?

MAN: Well… one.

WOMAN: How long? Less than one year? More than one year? Or “Not really over yet because every so often you still get drunk and make ‘booty calls?’”

MAN: Does it say that?

WOMAN: Please just answer the question.

MAN: Four years. And it’s over.

WOMAN: [After a pause.] Live together?

MAN: It doesn’t say that!

WOMAN: It says “dated,” “lived together” or… “Other.”

MAN: Fine. I don’t know what “other” is, so I guess we lived together.

WOMAN: [Under her breath.] Free milk from the cow…

MAN: What was that?

WOMAN: Nothing.

MAN: Listen. I just want to get my driver’s license and registration okay?

WOMAN: Did you love her?

MAN: She didn’t want to get married okay!?

WOMAN: [Typing this in.] “Loved her but says it is over.” All right. I need your current driver’s license, current registration, old license plates and tags, smog inspection certificate, VIN tags and verification, proof of insurance from an in-state provider, social security number, driving record, the blue book on your car, and a letter from your mommy.

[MAN has frantically produced all the WOMAN requires, making a pile of papers on her desk.]

MAN: Ha! Got it all! Right here!

WOMAN: [Picking through the pile, she spots something.] This registration expired yesterday.

MAN: I know…

WOMAN: Have you driven your car since yesterday?

MAN: No.

WOMAN: No!? How did you get here then?

MAN: [Points off stage.] Her.

WOMAN: Who’s that? Your new girlfriend? That bitch!

MAN: That’s my sister.

WOMAN: Oh. Can she verify that in a court of law?!

MAN: Can we get on with this please?

WOMAN: All right. [Facing her computer terminal and typing.] Car or truck?

MAN: Car.

WOMAN: Two wheel or four?

MAN: Two.

WOMAN: V-6 or V-8?

MAN: V-8.

WOMAN: Hmmmm. Camero or Mustang?

MAN: Mustang.

WOMAN: HMmmmm! Income per year. 10 grand to 20? 20 to 30? 30 to 40? 50 plus?

MAN: The DMV wants to know my income?

WOMAN: And that’s Net, not Gross.

MAN: Well if all goes well, 50 plus.

WOMAN: Boxers or Briefs?

MAN: What?

WOMAN: Boxers or Briefs.

[MAN realizes what’s going, and decides to play the game.]

MAN: All right. Okay. Boxers or Briefs. Right now?


MAN: Boxers.

WOMAN: Person type: A or B?


WOMAN: Person type: Night or Morning?

MAN: Night.

WOMAN: We exchange numbers or you ask me out right now?

MAN: Right now.

WOMAN: Drinks or Dinner?

MAN: Dinner.

WOMAN: French or Italian?

MAN: French.

WOMAN: Wine or beer?

MAN: Wine.

WOMAN: Cash or Credit?

MAN: Cash.

WOMAN: Your place or mine?

MAN: Mine.

[They become a bit excited, breathing heavy, this builds…]

WOMAN: Wells or Hitchcock?

MAN: Hitchcock.

WOMAN: Salinger or Kerouac?

MAN: Kerouac.

WOMAN: Lennon or McCartney?!

MAN: Lennon! Bra clasp front or back?

WOMAN: None!

MAN: Oh my god!

WOMAN: Slow or fast?

MAN: Fast!

WOMAN: Heels on or off?

MAN: For God’s sake on! Wait! Condom or…

WOMAN: Pill!

MAN: Yes!

WOMAN: Top or bottom?!

MAN: Top!

WOMAN: Over or under?!

MAN: Who cares!?

WOMAN: Want or need?! Buy or sell?! Tie me up or tie me down?! Bob or Carol or Ted or Alice?!

MAN: Parsley!

WOMAN: Sage!

MAN: Rosemary!

WOMAN: Thyme!


WOMAN: Ginger or Mary Ann?!


[WOMAN finally orgasms big time.]

WOMAN: Yes! Oh my God!!! [BOTH are breathing heavy. A beat.] Smoke or clove?

MAN: Smoke.

[They smoke. Another beat.]

WOMAN: Out to a movie or rent?

MAN: Rent.

WOMAN: Meet my friends or yours.

MAN: Mine.

WOMAN: We argue or fight.

MAN: Fight.

WOMAN: You make up with flowers, or roses?

MAN: Roses.

WOMAN: Big wedding or small?

MAN: Big.

WOMAN: House or apartment?

MAN: House.

WOMAN: Carpet or Hardwood.

MAN: Carpet.

WOMAN: One kid or two?

MAN: One.

WOMAN: Christmas at my parents or yours?

MAN: Mine.

WOMAN: Stay up with me and talk? Or got to… sleep?

[MAN is already snoring.]

WOMAN: [Putting out her cigarette.] All right, just a few more questions… before I give you your… license and registration. Are you asleep? I said are you sleeping?!

[MAN wakes with a start.]

MAN: No! No. [After a beat.] Do I get my license and registration now?

WOMAN: Well that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

MAN: What? I gave you everything I was supposed to have, I met all the requirements!

WOMAN: You just don’t get it do you?!

MAN: [Showing her the papers.] I have done everything I can to make you happy!

WOMAN: All this?! [Taking papers and throwing them at him.] All this means nothing to me!

MAN: You got problems. I’m going to your manager. Maybe she’ll give me my license and registration! Maybe your manager will give me what I NEED!!

WOMAN: No! Don’t!

MAN: What is your problem!

WOMAN: [Turning back to her terminal, typing on her keyboard.] Oh look, says here you have a suspended license how bout that?

MAN: What are you doing?

WOMAN: And look here, a warrant for your arrest!

MAN: Wait!

WOMAN: You seem to be on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List, of all the crazy things!

MAN: Stop! Stop! Stop it! Look, I’m sorry. I want to go back. Before. To the way we were, remember? You would ask me questions. And I would answer? It was so wonderful. I want that feeling back. How ‘bout it? You and me? Can you feel it in your heart to try again? Give me one more chance?

WOMAN: [Through her tears.] I’m sorry. It’s too late. Too late for that.

MAN: No. Please no…

WOMAN: Here are your new plates, your tags, your license and this…

MAN: Is it… my registration?

WOMAN: [Nodding.] Your walkin’ papers. This hurts me as much as it hurts you.

MAN: [Signing registration.] You don’t know that. I don’t even think I can go on.

WOMAN: You’ll be back. Next year, and the year after, and the year after that-

MAN: I have no regrets.

WOMAN: As long as men and women need cars, people like us will go on loving each other.

MAN: Good-bye.

[He exits. She’s crying. A beat. ANOTHER WOMAN enters and stands waiting.]

WOMAN: [Getting herself together.] Can I help you?

ANOTHER WOMAN: Yes you can. I moved here from out of state and I need a new license and registration.

WOMAN: Any tickets in the last four years?


WOMAN: Any arrests?


WOMAN: Warrants?


WOMAN: Convictions?


[A beat. WOMAN smiles, then takes a deep breath.]

WOMAN: Married or single?


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