by: Greg Vovos

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Copyright © 1999 Greg Vovos

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that Bloody Mary is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

Inquiries concerning all rights should be addressed to the author at


MARY: A young woman who is bleeding to death.
JOE: A young man with one arm and one leg.
OLD LADY: A woman in her eighties who carries a cane.
MAN IN THE SUIT: A drunkard of sorts.
POLICE OFFICER: He eats donuts, drinks coffee and carries a night stick.
A city street corner in the Spring. The work day is about to commence.

[Lights up as MARY stands on a street corner, holding her stomach. She
removes her hands and reveals that she is bleeding badly. The sounds of
the street should be very audible: car horns, conversation, shoes stomping
on the pavement, etc. She looks around for help.]

MARY: Excuse me, Ma'am--. Sir! Sir! Little boy, would you send for some help, I'm dying--. Little Boy!! YOUNG MAN, PLEASE!!! I'VE BEEN SHOT!!!

[MARY gives up. She takes off her shirt and wants to make a tourniquet but doesn't know how. She sits on the ground as she is very dizzy now from the loss of blood. An OLD WOMAN passes by, notices MARY and walks on without hesitation.]

MARY: Ma'am, would you please--

OLD LADY: (Very loudly.) I can't hear you.

MARY: I need your help. I'm bleeding to death.

OLD LADY: How can I stop your bleeding if I can't even hear you.

[The MAN IN THE SUIT enters quickly.]

MAN IN THE SUIT: Can I help you?

MARY: Yes, thank you so much. You see I've been bleeding--

MAN IN THE SUIT: Out of my way. I gotta help this old lady across the street. I do it every day and today is no different.

MARY: But I'm bleeding to death.

MAN IN THE SUIT: Ma'am, can I help you across the street?

[OLD WOMAN hits MAN IN THE SUIT with her cane as he tries to help her cross the street. MARY seems worse off than ever now. A POLICEMAN enters.]

MARY: Oh, thank Heavens, Officer. I don't know how much longer I would've lasted if you didn't come.

POLICE OFFICER: Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to move on. The sign clearly reads no loitering. And you're littering all over the place. I could arrest you for that.

MARY: I'm not littering. That's blood. I'm dying.

POLICE OFFICER: That is no excuse to be topless,Young Lady. You should be ashamed of
yourself. Lucky for you, I'm not on duty yet or I'd have to arrest you.

MARY: I need your help, Officer. My taxes pay your salary.

POLICE OFFICER: They certainly do. And your taxes pay the salaries of Ambulance Drivers. So let them help you. Does anyone call an Ambulance Driver when they're being robbed?

MARY: Well, of course not, but--

POLICE OFFICER: I rest my case.

[POLICE OFFICER exits quickly. MARY seems near the end of her rope. A
silence and then JOE, a man with one arm and one leg, hops on. He falls in front of MARY.]

JOE: Excuse me, sorry. Very sorry.

[JOE gets up and tries to hop away.]

MARY: Please, Sir. Would you help me--. Oh my, what happened to you?

JOE: Oh, it's nothing. Nothing really. I'm quite all right actually. Well, I...I was until the lady stole my cane, but I'll be okay. I still have my job at the shoe factory, and it's only a forty block hop away so I count myself lucky. [Pause.] My goodness, Miss. What happened to you?

MARY: You mean you noticed?

JOE: Well, of course I noticed. What kind of person would I be if I didn't notice you were bleeding? It looks as though you're near death.

MARY: It feels that way.

JOE: I got an idea.

MARY: What's that?

JOE: Well, maybe I could help you. I know it's a bit unorthodox, a stranger lending a helping hand these days, but why not? Today, I woke up, put on my green sock--the one with just three holes--because I knew today was going to be extraordinary. Then when I fell down my steps and the neighbor dog just licked me instead of tinkling on me my feelings were confirmed. So I say hell yes--excuse my language--no! hell yes it is! I will help you. What can I do for you? Would you like a slice of pie?

MARY: No. No. Thank you, but no, not at the moment. Do you know how to make a

JOE: Well, of course. I am a learn-ed man, you know.

MARY: Could you please take my shirt and--

JOE: My name's Joe. What's yours?

MARY: Mary, Joe.

JOE: Mary Joe? No kidding. It's like fate. It's it's like we're fated together. We have the same names--

MARY: No, no, no. It's just Mary. I was calling you by your name--

JOE: Oh, oh, of course. Right. I'm so silly. I don't know what my problem is. I just, I just want everything to be perfect with the new people I meet, I want to fall in love you see, and when you said your name was Mary Joe, well then I thought praise God here she is the woman of my dreams, my Aphrodite, my Mary Joe--

MARY: Joe, I don't mean to be rude, but the blood's coming very quickly and I can't help myself. I need your help.

JOE: It's my appearance. I repulse you, don't I?

MARY: No, of course not. It's just...I'm. Joe! I'm bleeding to death. I need your help.

JOE: Oh now you need my help. First I repulse you just because I'm missing a couple limbs and now you need my help. Isn't that just like a woman?

MARY: Excuse me?

JOE: I loved you, Mary. And I thought you could love me too, but now--

MARY: Joe! Either help me or don't. But right now, you're--. I don't know what you're doing but you're not helping.

JOE: Well, I could make you a tourniquet. With your shirt there, seeing as you're not wearing it at the moment.

MARY: Yes, that would be nice. That would be very sweet.

JOE: Okay, let's do it. It's a date.

MARY: All right. It's a date. Here's the shirt.

[MARY extends her arm and JOE takes the shirt from her. He is very careful not to touch her.]

JOE: Can you hold the one end while I ... twist?

MARY: Of course.

[JOE is struggling with the tourniquet.]

MARY: Joe?

JOE: Yeah?

MARY: Never mind.

JOE: Okay.

MARY: Joe?

JOE: Yeah?

MARY: How'd you ... you know?

JOE: How'd I what?

MARY: How'd you lose your arm and leg?

JOE: Could you hold that tighter?

MARY: Sure. If you don't wanna talk about it, I understand.

JOE: Good.

MARY: You sure look cute though, when you--

[MARY is about to touch JOE's head and he jumps away.]


MARY: What? I'm sorry. I...I was just gonna...touch you. Don't you like to be

JOE: Of course I do. I just don't think you should.

MARY: Why not?

JOE: How's the tourniquet feel?

MARY: Great. It feels really nice. Thank you.

JOE: I should probably go now.

MARY: What's wrong with you?

JOE: Nothing. I just gotta get to work. And I haven't had a piece of pie yet and I can't sell shoes unless I've eaten my pie so I better just--

MARY: A minute ago you were talking about dating and now you're leaving?

JOE: I gotta...I gotta...Sometimes, I talk too much and I don't know what I'm talking about. I must've been doing that earlier. I really should go. See? I'm talking too much right now.

MARY: It's because I tried to touch you, isn't it?

JOE: No, it's not.

MARY: You've never been touched before, have you?

JOE: Yes, I have.

MARY: No, you haven't. I'm the first girl who's ever wanted to touch you, aren't I?

JOE: That's a mean thing to say, Mary.

MARY: You're right. I'm sorry.

JOE: It's not true either. I've been touched.

MARY: Sure you have, Joe. Sure.

JOE: I have. Twice.

[JOE indicates his missing limbs and MARY understands.]

MARY: Oh, I see. And every time you've been touched...

JOE: Exactly.

MARY: And you're just missing the two limbs?

JOE: Mary?!?!?

MARY: Sorry. I'm just curious.

JOE: Well, maybe you shouldn't be so curious.

MARY: What happens if you touch someone else. Then what do you lose?

JOE: I don't know. I've never touched anyone.

MARY: My tourniquet's loosening. I think you need to tighten it.

JOE: I better not.

MARY: Do you want me to bleed to death?

JOE: Of course not. I just don't want to risk...

MARY: Risk what? It's only a limb. You already lost two.

JOE: Maybe we could get someone else to do this for you. Officer! Officer!

MARY: I already tried that. You're my only help, Joe.

JOE: I just don't think we should take any chances. I might accidentally touch you, you'll lose a limb and then where will we be?

MARY: I'd rather be limbless than lifeless.

JOE: Right. Of course.

[JOE starts to tie the tourniquet again, but is having too much trouble,
mostly because he has only one hand. He is getting frustrated.]

JOE: I told you it wouldn't work. You might as well just bleed to death.

MARY: Joseph!

JOE: I'm sorry, Mary. It's just...well, this seems to be the way it always goes for me.

MARY: Try again and don't be afraid to touch me. I'm not afraid.

[JOE indeed tries again. Things seem to be going better this time. He even goes as far as to touch her arm as he ties the tourniquet. However, the second he touches her arm, it falls off.]

JOE: Oh my God. What'd I do?

MARY: My arm! My arm fell off.

JOE: Mary, I'm...I'm so sorry.

MARY: Hurry up with that, Joe. I think I'm losing too much blood now.

JOE: What about your arm?

MARY: Forget my arm.

JOE: Forget your arm!

MARY: Please, just tie the tourniquet.

[JOE tries to reattach her arm.]

JOE: I'm sure I can just re lodge it in here for you. My grandpa was a medic in the Big War you know. So that sort of thing must run in the family...Oops...I'm very sorry. I'm such a klutz--

[MARY snatches the arm away from him.]

MARY: Just tie the tourniquet, Joe.

JOE: I can't, Mary. I tried and I can't.

[JOE begins to leave.]

MARY: Joe! You're not going to leave me here alone, are you?

JOE: Of course not. I'll find help for you.

MARY: Come here.

JOE: What?

MARY: Come here.

JOE: What are you up to?

MARY: Come here. You owe me. [He does.] Now. Stand still. [He does but then starts to move around, nervously.] Stiller. [He does.] Now, close your eyes.

JOE: Close my eyes!?!?!

MARY: You don't trust me. Thanks to you I've lost my arm and you don't even trust me?

JOE: Okay, okay.

MARY: Good boy.

[MARY takes her arm and attaches it to his body where he is missing an arm. It fits perfectly.]

JOE: Mary, what are you doing to me? That feels very--

MARY: Good.

JOE: Yeah, good.

MARY: Open your eyes.

[He does and discovers his new arm.]

JOE: How'd you--

MARY: Now tie my tourniquet and save my life.

JOE: But I have your arm.

MARY: Exactly.

JOE: Mary, I can't take your arm. That's too generous. I mean, it's not even Christmas.

MARY: Yes, you can. I don't need it.

JOE: Wow! Giving me your arm. That's just about the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.

MARY: Hurry, Joe.

[MARY begins to lose consciousness but JOE does not notice.]

JOE: It feels great. Like it's been a part of me my entire life. It's just like your body fits me like it's always been mine. Like our bodies fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. It doesn't look too feminine, does it? Mary! Mary!

[She is not responding so JOE, with his new arm, ties the tourniquet very quickly and expertly. Even though the tourniquet is tied MARY is not responding. He thinks about giving her mouth to mouth.]

JOE: Okay, Joe, you can do this. You have to do this. After all, it is your Mary Joe. I am confident my head will not fall off if I give her mouth to mouth...maybe just my lips will, my lips and my hands, that's not so bad, right?

[The Police Officer enters.]

POLICE OFFICER: Excuse me, Son. But what do you think you're doing?

JOE: Well, nothing, Officer. I'm just trying to save this woman's --

POLICE OFFICER: Save it for the Judge. You think I don't know who you are. You're under arrest.

JOE: Under arrest? For what?

POLICE OFFICER: For the theft of this young lady's arm.

JOE: She gave it to me.

POLICE OFFICER: A likely story. Come with me.

JOE: She needs our help.

POLICE OFFICER: I'm not asking you again.

[The OFFICER advances on JOE who punches him and knocks him out. He looks at his new arm.]

JOE: Wow! That Mary is one strong girl.

[This time he gives her mouth to mouth fearless of the consequences that may follow. MARY comes to.]

MARY: Well, it's about time. What happened to him?

JOE: Him? Ah, nothing. He just needed a helping hand so I gave it to him.

MARY: My arm looks good on you.

JOE: Thanks. You want it back?


JOE: Are you sure?

MARY: If I need it, you'll be here, right?

JOE: Right.

MARY: Then I'm sure.

JOE: Well...

MARY: Well...

JOE: Whadaya say we go and get a slice of pie now?

MARY: Sounds delicious.

[They start to exit as lights fade to black.]



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