Copyright © 2003 by Nick Zagone

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that The Pink Fancy is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

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[At rise JOSE and SKOT sit at a table, on top of which sits a tray of Pink Hostess Snowballs. JOSE eats a Pink Hostess Snowball while reading SKOT’s comic book drawings. SKOT, a bit jittery, watches JOSE read, but checks around every so often to see if anybody is watching them. He does not eat the Pink Hostess Snowballs. Both wear shabby pink clothes. After a few soft vocal “hmms” and “ahhs,” JOSE finishes reading. He sets down the drawings. A beat as SKOT gestures impatiently: he’s ready to hear what JOSE has to say.)]

JOSE: I don’t get it.

SKOT: You don’t get it?

JOSE: I don’t get it.

SKOT: You don’t get it.

JOSE: I don’t get it.

SKOT: I don’t understand.

JOSE: I don’t understand it either.

SKOT: You don’t get it? What’s to not understand?

JOSE: Well, the whole comic book for one. The drawings are quite good I guess but--

SKOT: Yes?

JOSE: Are you trying to be smart? You’re just trying to be smart aren’t you-- People don’t like a smart-guy-

SKOT: So you don’t like it.

JOSE: [Being clear.] I said I don’t get it.

SKOT: So getting it means liking it? Hmm.

JOSE: I don’t know if I like your questions.

SKOT: Let me try this-- what do you THINK about it. What did you think about the “world” of the strip? Did you like the characters? Would you enjoy being like them? To think like them? Would you like to live like them? What did you think of the new lives I’ve created?

JOSE: Listen Mr. Smarty, I don’t want to think about it. I want to get it. Like that new Pink Fancy movie! “Life with Pink Fancy?” Now that was a good story. Entertaining. I didn’t have to think about that.

SKOT: But! Did you get it?

JOSE: “Life with Pink Fancy?” What’s there to get? Pink Fancy is great!

SKOT: Then what was it about?

JOSE: What?

SKOT: What was it about? What was it trying to say? Did it propose any questions? Did it suggest any answers? Did it give any alternatives to living life?! Like my comic book?!!

JOSE: Well of course not! It was about Pink Fancy! And his many lovable adventures! Pink is great. Pink is funny and charming. Like in “Life with Pink Fancy?” When he fell down and crashed into those stacked cans of Pink Fancy? Ha! Isn’t life like that? Isn’t life like the many adventures of Pink Fancy? I think it’s because Pink is just like us. I feel that if I saw him right now I could say “Hi Pink!” And he’d say “Hi” right back to me. Did you know “Life with Pink Fancy” was the number one movie for 37 weeks and grossed more money than any other movie ever in the whole millennium and Pink Fancy is like the most sought after movie star in the whole world? Why aren’t you eating your Pink Fancy balls?

SKOT: [Looking up from having his head in his hands.] Look, there is life beyond Pink Fancy, like my comic book…

JOSE: You should draw a Pink Fancy story, that’s what you should do! Everybody loves a good old-fashioned Pink Fancy story. Like the Pink Fancy Show on TV? Last night I swear it was just like real life. Like my life. Like right now! Pink and his friend weren’t understanding each other and then they ate their Pink Fancy Balls and everything turned out just fine, you know?

SKOT: No. [A look from Jose.] I mean I know about it, but I didn’t watch it--

JOSE: What’s wrong with you today? Why aren’t you eating your Pink Fancy Balls?

SKOT: [Stands.] I’ve given up the Pink Fancy my friend. [He begins taking off his Pink clothes, revealing white clothing underneath.]

JOSE: Ha! Given up the Pink Fancy? What would you talk about? How are you supposed to communicate with anybody? We could never have a conversation! [Sees what he’s wearing.] Why are you wearing white? Where’s your Pink clothing? Your Pink hat? Your basketball shoes-- Wait! You’re not eating your Pink Fancy Balls!

SKOT: That’s right.

JOSE: Oh my God! [Realization.] Pink Fancy wasn’t in your comic book! You have given up the Pink Fancy!

SKOT: Now do you get it!?

JOSE: But, but, but,- you said you heard about last night’s episode-- I mean you still know what happened right?

SKOT: Well sure, it was advertised like every five minutes…

JOSE: [Relaxing.] Whew! Good for you.

SKOT: How could I get away from Pink’s guerilla marketing?

JOSE: You should thank god for such mass media. You can at least function.

SKOT: [Sudden realization:] Oh no. You’re right. I DO know what happened in last night’s episode. Even if I don’t watch the Pink Fancy Show I still know what happens. I bet I could even get everyone to think I saw the Pink Fancy when I really didn’t!

JOSE: There you go!

SKOT: No! [A beat.] I wanted to do this gradually, but now it becomes clear that I must take action immediately! [He takes out a pack of White Hostess Snowballs and throws a fist in the air.] Down with the Pink Fancy! Long live the White Glorioso!

JOSE: What are you-

SKOT: I have created a new icon with my comic book. [Picks up comic drawings.] Joe White, the White Glorioso! Come with me my friend. Get out of the Pink Fancy rut your in! [Holds the Snowball in his face.] Have a White Glorious Ball.

JOSE: I don’t get it.

SKOT: It’s a life underground! A new underground movement! Will you come with me? A new culture without the Pink fancy!

JOSE: Life without Pink Fancy? [A beat.] Who else is coming?

SKOT: What do you mean who-

JOSE: Anybody I know?

SKOT: Well there’s only a few who have read the comic-

JOSE: Who? Anybody famous?

SKOT: Well-

JOSE: Have you gotten any funding? Grants?

SKOT: What?

JOSE: Any corporate sponsorship?

SKOT: What? Absolutely not!

JOSE: This sounds like a very un-organized underground movement to me.

SKOT: That’s what the White Glorioso movement is all about! My stories will never be enlightening-they will tell the truth. Joe will forever spend his days fighting the evil corporate conglomerate that is the Pink Fancy. No one outside the movement will ever get my stories even though they will want to and that will drive them mad and insane! They will have to think about my stories and they will hate me! My stories will be so convoluted and incredibly strange and follow such inane logic that even the most intelligent professors from the most prestigious Pink Universities will throw up their hands in complete and utter disgust!

[Throughout the previous speech, BROWN has entered surreptitiously. BROWN wears brown. BROWN carries Hostess Mini Chocolate Doughnuts.]

BROWN: Psst.

SKOT: Who’s there?

BROWN: Psst.

SKOT: Yes? Can I help you?

BROWN: [Coming forward, bowing.] Down with the Pink Fancy!

SKOT: What?

BROWN: Long live the White Glorioso!

SKOT: [To Jose:] See? A follower.

BROWN: Oh great leader of the Joe White Movement-your comic book writings have spread far and wide!

SKOT: Already!

BROWN: In my search to find you I have come many miles, over long terrain from a great city far away!

SKOT: Really? Where have you come?

BROWN: Cleveland. I have come to give you good news from Cleveland!

SKOT: Wait! If you are with the White Glorioso movement, why are you wearing brown and carrying chocolate doughnuts?

BROWN: You are very wise oh great one. My outfit correlates with my good news! To help support Joe White’s great crusade against the evil Pink Fancy- [Holding up doughnuts.]- we have found a corporate sponsor!

SKOT: A what?

BROWN: A corporate sponsor. Mini Chocolate Doughnuts!

SKOT: No! No! No sponsors!

BROWN: But we thought that is what you-

SKOT: That is exactly the opposite of what I-didn’t you read the comic?

BROWN: We did! And we came to understand, from your strange, cryptic, unusual stories that no one understands,--that this is what you wished!

SKOT: Dress in brown and eat brown chocolate doughnuts!!? Why would you think I would want that?!

JOSE: [To Brown:] It’s okay baby-I didn’t get the damn thing either.

BROWN: Here. [Grabs the comic, opens it up and points to a page.] There. See that right there?

SKOT: What.

BROWN: There.

SKOT: Where?

BROWN: There.

SKOT: That?


SKOT: It’s the letter B.

BROWN: Exactly your supreme-ness! It is the most used consonant of all your letters! There must be about fifteen Bs on this page alone-they’re everywhere! We felt we had finally deciphered your prose!

SKOT: How’s that?

BROWN: B. Brown. Brown… Not white. Brown must mean the White Glorioso is in fact a prophet, a John the Baptist if you will, for the forthcoming savior-the Brown Belligerent! And he will burst forth upon the millennium and finally put an end to the evil and petulant conglomerate that is the Pink Fancy! [She grabs Jose’s Pink Fancy Ball.]

JOSE: Back off! [Jose grabs it back and stuffs it in his mouth.]

BROWN: Hostess Mini Chocolate Doughnuts liked the idea and sponsored us. With your okay they can begin sewing their logo on our jumpers.


BROWN: No? No what? You don’t want the sponsorship?


BROWN: You don’t want the doughnuts?


BROWN: What- you mean we deciphered your comic incorrectly?

SKOT: Yes.

BROWN: Oh god. [A beat. Sits.] Well then I guess I don’t get it. [Begins to cry.]

JOSE: [Comforting.] Oh it’s all right honey.

BROWN: Now what am I supposed to do with all these doughnuts?

JOSE: Well I’d like to help you out-but I’m lactose intolerant. I so much as look at a doughnut and I get gas.

BROWN: I’m sorry. [Recovers, crosses to Skot:] We really believed in you. We did. I enjoyed your comic. But, I guess I was wrong. I’m sorry. [Starts to leave.]

SKOT: Wait, wait a minute. [A beat.] Give me a doughnut. [A beat.] Give me one. [Takes and eats.] Mmm. Not bad. What’s your name again?

BROWN: Brown. We’re all named Brown in Cleveland. We can change that…

SKOT: No! No, Brown, you did good. You’re a good kid. And because of you I’ve decided to expand operations.

BROWN: Really? Because of me?

SKOT: That’s right. We’re going to branch out. We’ll call it-- The Brown Initiative.

BROWN: What’s that mean?

SKOT: One word Brown. One word. Olympics. I’ve decided we will be the Official Underground Movement of the upcoming Olympic Games. From there? We’ll have a clothing line, a web page, a McDonalds tie-in-we’ll even sponsor our own Bowl Game! Then we’re going to put a White Glorioso sitcom on the air exactly opposite The Pink Fancy Show and drive their ratings into the ground!

BROWN: Can we have a screen saver?

SKOT: Heck, one day Brown, we’ll watch our stock rise to a 250 dollars a share and then level out at 135.

BROWN: So we were right about what your comic book world means oh great one?

SKOT: If that’s what you want it to mean... [BROWN nods their head.] Then I guess that’s what it means. Now run along.

[BROWN starts to exit then stops and turns.]

BROWN: [Fist in the air.] Down with the Pink Fancy!

[SKOT raises his fist in response. JOSE intuitively raises his as well. BROWN runs off. They stand with their fists raised for a second, and then nonchalantly bring them down.]

JOSE: [Sitting.] Well, I’ve made my decision and, I’m sorry-- I don’t think I can join your underground movement.

SKOT: I think I’ve made my decision as well.

JOSE: It’s a little too commercial. Too mainstream for my tastes.

SKOT: [Looking at his comic book.] Yea. Right. Me too. [He begins to rip up the comic book.]

JOSE: What are you doing? What happened to your underground movement?

SKOT: Sorry, I guess I’m just not one to follow a crowd.

JOSE: I don’t get you.

SKOT: Don’t worry. [Points to his head.] It’s still up here. It’s still all up here. [He sits.]

[SKOT picks up a Pink Fancy Snowball. Looks at it for a moment. And then bites into it.]

JOSE: [To audience:] I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.

SKOT: Maybe we’re not supposed to.

[JOSE and SKOT eat their Pink Hostess Snowballs. This should take as long as it needs to take. The longer in fact the better. There should be at least ten Pink Hostess Snowballs on the platter and they should eat them all in total silence. When they are finished they sit back in their chairs. After a beat a new platter is brought out and placed on the table. They begin eating those as well… as lights FADE TO BLACK.]

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