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HENRY IV, PART I
A monologue from Act IV, Scene ii
by: William Shakespeare
NOTE: Henry IV, Part I was originally published in 1598. It is now a public domain work and may be performed without royalties. |
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FALSTAFF: If I be not ashamed of my soldiers, I am a soused
gurnet [1]. I have misused the king's
press [2] damnably. I have got, in
exchange of a hundred and fifty soldiers, three hundred and odd
pounds. I press [3] me none but good
householders, yeomen's sons; inquire me out contracted bachelors,
such as had been asked twice on the banes [4]
-- such a commodity of warm slaves as had as lieve hear the devil
as a drum, such as fear the report of a caliver [5]
worse than a struck fowl or a hurt wild duck. I pressed me none
but such toasts-and-butter, with hearts in their bellies no bigger
than pins' heads, and they have bought out their services [6]; and now my whole charge consists
of ancients, corporals, lieutenants, gentlemen of companies --
slaves as ragged as Lazarus in the painted cloth, where the glutton's
dogs licked his sores; and such as indeed were never soldiers,
but discarded unjust servingmen, younger sons to younger brothers,
revolted [7] tapsters [8],
and ostlers [9] trade-fall'n [10]; the cankers of a calm world and
a long peace; ten times more dishonorable ragged than an old
fazed ancient [11]; and such have
I to fill up the rooms of them as have bought out their services
that you would think that I had a hundred and fifty tattered
prodigals lately come from swine-keeping, from eating draff [12] and husks. A mad fellow met me on
the way, and told me I had unloaded all the gibbets [13]
and pressed the dead bodies. No eye hath seen such scarecrows.
I'll not march through Coventry with them, that's flat. Nay,
and the villains march wide betwixt the legs, as if they had
gyves [14] on, for indeed I had the
most of them out of prison. There's not a shirt and a half in
all my company, and the half-shirt is two napkins tacked together
and thrown over the shoulders like a herald's coat without sleeves;
and the shirt, to say the truth, stol'n from my host at Saint
Alban's, or the red-nose innkeeper of Daventry. But that's all
one; they'll find linen enough on every hedge.
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1 pickled fish
2 right of conscription
3 draft
4 public announcement of intent to marry, made three times
5 musket
6 bribed me to let them stay at home
7 runaway
8 bartenders
9 one who takes care of horses
10 out of work
11 tattered flag
12 garbage
13 gallows
14 shackles
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