SCUBA LESSONS

a magically realistic romantic comedy

by: Joseph Zeccola

Copyright © 1997 by Joseph Zeccola

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that Scuba Lessons is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

Inquiries concerning all rights should be addressed to the author at Rights@JosephZeccola.com

CHARACTERS

KELLY DONOVAN: A woman in her mid-twenties of Irish-American descent. She works in the programming department of a large, network affiliate.
 
DAN LANZETTA: A man in his mid-twenties of Italian-American descent. He works with Kelly in programming.
 
MARTIN MICHAELSON: A recently divorced man of about 30 of Anglo-Saxon descent. He works in the business office of the same T.V. station. He’s Kelly’s date.
 
RAYNE STORM: A woman in her mid-twenties of “Dead-Head” descent. She is an accountant and works in the business office with Martin. She’s Dan’s date.
 
COFFEE HOUSE GUY/PATRON: Two guys in their early twenties who have the misfortune of being in the cafe with these four weirdos. (Can and should be played by the same actor)
SETTING
A coffee house at night in Los Angeles. A service counter and a few tables are visible.
 
NOTE
This play is viewed primarily through Kelly’s Point of view. Kelly has asides, which are indicated by a” >” preceding the line. These asides interrupt other characters’ words and are interrupted by other characters’ words--just as our own thoughts and focus shifts and overlaps with other people. However, no other characters notice Kelly’s asides.

[Lights up on KELLY. She stands in front of the cafe, which is dimly lit. DAN and RAYNE sit inside.]

KELLY: >Do you believe in fate? [Short pause] Last night I had one of those dreams where I woke up and I couldn’t remember anything I dreamt about. But I knew it was something great. When I woke up I felt warm all over. That usually means I dreamt about him. My soul mate. … I know it’s silly, I mean I don’t even know what he looks like. Even when I do remember my dreams, he’s just a blank face on this great body. Or Brad Pitt. Just kidding. But even though I’ve never seen him, I know what he’ll be like. He’ll be someone who looks in my eyes and knows that’s where he belongs. That’s why I’m so excited about tonight.

[KELLY enters the coffee house and the lights inside rise.]

KELLY: >Did you ever wake up and know it was gonna be your day? I did. Today. First time. I woke up five minutes before my alarm went off. The sun was shining, the birds chirping, I felt warm all over and then... ... I read my horoscope.

>“Today is your day!!! What you dreamed about becomes real. Romance figures prominently. Musical notes involved.”

>Okay--I don’t get the musical notes thing either--but that’s not the point. The point is it said today is my day. And it has been--all day!!! I got on the scale--I was five pounds thinner, and that was after getting out of the shower. On my way out the door, my manager tells me he’s going to fix the broken closet in my apartment I reported six months ago. Normally I wouldn’t believe it, because I have rotten luck. But I’ve had this feeling all day. And that’s leaving out the best part of my horoscope: “Romance figures Prominently.”

[The PATRON enters, KELLY sees him and steps up to him.]

KELLY: Excuse me. Hi. Are you Martin?

PATRON: Uh--no.

KELLY: Sorry.

>He’s not here yet. Martin. My date. Actually it’s a blind date. Both Dan and I have blind dates tonight. Which would normally scare me. To tell the truth I was terrified. Until this morning. I know, I know--what are the odds of finding Mr. Right on a blind date? I mean, someone who would count on that is an optimist, at best. At worst ... well--let’s not go there. I’m being an optimist. I have faith.

>You know my luck is actually worse with men. Until recently I’ve been convinced I have bad guy-karma. Which is why I told Dan to meet his date here, too. I had a friend at work set us up. Raul. He’s gay. We decided to meet our dates at the same place just in case they were ugly. If I knew my day was gonna be like this, I would have told him to fend for himself.

[KELLY notices a mug on the merchandise rack. She steps to it and picks it up.]

KELLY: >Do you see what I mean?!! This is my favorite painting on this coffee mug. I was in here two days ago and they didn’t have this mug. This is like some giant cosmic accident. It’s fate. Did I tell you I found a parking space in less than five minutes. My favorite painting. The Scream. Dan says only freaks like that painting. I think only tactless jerks call their friends freaks.

[KELLY looks over to DAN and RAYNE.]

KELLY: >It looks like the jerk’s doing okay so far. He hasn’t pissed her off yet. She looks okay. Seems a little thin for Dan though. He’s Italian, they like those buxom women. Or at least he does. And he thinks he speaks for every guinea on the planet. He doesn’t like it when I call him a guinea. [Short pause] Guinea.

>Oh. That’s Dan. He likes me. But we’re not. No. I mean he’s sweet. We always do stuff like this together. Well not like this. We do things. Sometimes we come here and get coffee. Well he gets coffee. I don’t like coffee. Or tea. Actually I hate tea; but, we’re just friends. It’s hard to explain. Dan and I ... ... we just--

DAN: Celtic. [Pronounced like the basketball team, seltic].

RAYNE: It’s Celtic. [Pronounced like the ancient people, Keltic]

DAN: Seltic.

RAYNE: The only people who pronounce it that way are the Boston Celtics.

DAN: Exactly. They’re a professional sports organization. Wouldn’t they know? [No response.] They won 13 world championships and they wouldn’t know how to pronounce their own name? [No response.] Excuse me ... uh--Miss?

[KELLY turns to DAN and RAYNE.]

KELLY: Yes.

DAN: I was just wondering. You could probably hear our conversation and well... Is it Seltic or Keltic?

KELLY: I really--don’t want to get in the middle...

RAYNE: It’s okay.

DAN: Really. It’s fine.

KELLY: Then it’s Keltic.

DAN: Oh. [Pause. Dan turns back to Rayne] So what other types of music do you like?

KELLY: >You see what I mean? He’s always like that. Dan relates everything to sports. It’s kind of cute--if it wasn’t so stupid. His favorite topic is baseball. The Yankees, specifically. They hold some sort of mythical status in the history of mankind or something. At least that’s how Dan tells it. His dream is to find a woman who loves the Yankees. Or at least one who will learn to love them for him. It’s a pipedream.

>We wouldn’t get along. We bicker constantly. Dan calls me the ex-wife he never wanted. I call him evidence to the need for artificial insemination. [Pause.] He’s really not that bad. He’s just that bad for me. Dan just needs to find a woman who isn’t annoyed by him. And who isn’t meeting her soul mate tonight.

[KELLY grabs the mug again as MARTIN enters behind her.]

KELLY: >I still can’t believe this mug. It’s like a sign that the gods are smiling on me today. Not that I’m religious. I’m not really. Mom hates when I say that. [Mimicking her mother] “You don’t need to advertise it.” We fight all the time. She wanted a more catholic daughter. I feel guilty a lot. I think that should count for something. [Short pause--another light bulb] Mom and I didn’t fight when we talked on the phone today. That’s not a sign, it’s a minor miracle. Why didn’t I remember that? “Mom, I want you to know I found god again, and it’s all because of a man... and this mug.”

[KELLY stands with the coffee mug held out in her hand and looks up to see that MARTIN is standing in front of her.]

MARTIN: Uh--Hi. [looking around the Cafe for anyone else.] You must be Kelly?

KELLY: Oh. Hi. ... Martin? [Noticing the mug in her hand.] I was just...looking at this mug.

MARTIN: It’s very nice.

KELLY: Uh-huh.

[KELLY puts the mug away.]

MARTIN: So ... ... would you like something to drink?

KELLY: Oh--yeah. Sure.

MARTIN: Coffee?

KELLY: I’m ... not a big coffee drinker.

MARTIN: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you liked this place. We could’ve went--

KELLY: --No! I do like this place. I just don’t drink Coffee. Or Tea. [Short pause.] You know what? I think I might like some coffee. They used to have this Jazz blend. Could you see if they have that?

MARTIN: Jazz blend?

KELLY: Uh-huh.

MARTIN: Like the music?

KELLY: If they don’t have that, then juice.

MARTIN: Okay

[MARTIN goes to the coffee counter to order the drinks.]

KELLY: >Jazz Blend. Musical notes involved. I figured it was worth a shot. I just hope the stuff doesn’t taste like coffee. They used to have this Jazz CD they sold with the coffee, that’s how I remember it. [Short pause] Martin’s pretty cute. And nice. Looks like he stays in shape.

[As KELLY watches MARTIN, DAN gets up.]

DAN: Cream and sugar, right?

[RAYNE smiles and nods. DAN steps up near KELLY to refill the mugs.]

DAN: Excuse me, miss.

[KELLY steps out of the way as DAN pours coffee into the mugs, speaking to Kelly under his breath.]

DAN: How’s it going. Martin looks good.

KELLY: Rayne drinks coffee.

DAN: Yeah, she seems nice. What’d’you think?

[DAN fills the second mug.]

KELLY: She does seem nice. Although... ... ... No. Never mind.

[DAN stops pouring and looks at KELLY.]

DAN: What?

KELLY: Nothing.

DAN: [Trying to keep his voice down] What?!!

[DAN turns to KELLY and she turns away toward MARTIN. DAN stares at her for a brief moment then steps back to RAYNE. As he does, KELLY looks after him smiling.]

KELLY: >That was wrong, wasn’t it?

[MARTIN turns and brings the drinks over to KELLY. He hands her a bottle of Snapple ™.]

MARTIN: No Jazz blend. They haven’t had it for a few months. They did have some CD though.

KELLY: That’s okay. Thanks.

[KELLY gestures toward a table near DAN and RAYNE.]

MARTIN: As you can see, I’m very experienced at this.

KELLY: Oh, are you? I don’t really know much about coffee. I think this is a great place though. A nice place to meet people. And to talk.

[KELLY and MARTIN sit, right behind DAN and RAYNE.]

MARTIN: Actually I’ve never been here before. I was talking about dating. This is my third blind date in a row.

KELLY: Oh. Well you know how these things can be. Hit and Miss. Maybe you just had some bad luck.

MARTIN: I guess that’s possible. [Short pause] So, do you think maybe my luck could change?

KELLY: I think maybe it could.

[MARTIN and KELLY smile at one another.]

MARTIN: Because it just seems unlikely that none of them would have worked out. They all seemed very compatible.

KELLY: What?

MARTIN: My dates. They all seemed compatible. You know--Interests, hobbies ... political affiliations. I went through a service.

KELLY: A service?

MARTIN: Uh-huh.

[Silence.]

KELLY: >Third blind date in a row. Okay. That’s not so bad. A lot of people have three blind dates in a row. From a service. That doesn’t make him a freak. It’s not like he has a third eye or anything.

So...

[The COFFEE HOUSE GUY enters and steps up to MARTIN holding a CD.]

COFFEE GUY: I found that Jazz CD you wanted. I had to dig it out of the back corner of the stockroom. But it’s still in perfect condition.

MARTIN: Thanks. But she really doesn’t want it.

[COFFEE HOUSE GUY looks from MARTIN to KELLY and back to MARTIN. He laughs.]

COFFEE GUY: You’re kidding?

MARTIN: Uh--No. I’m not. But thanks.

[COFFEE HOUSE GUY just stares at MARTIN, then exits.]

KELLY: So, how come you went through a service? I mean, you don’t look like you would need one.

MARTIN: Well it’s been kind of hard to meet people. [Short pause] Since my divorce. And it seemed like a good idea to find someone whose interests were similar.

KELLY: >Okay, God hates me. Next he’s gonna tell me he voted for Perot.

Well, you know... ... How much can you really tell by those things, really?

MARTIN: You’d be surprised. You can tell a lot about a person by studying demographics. That’s what I do at the station, actually. I work in marketing. It’s amazing how much you can predict about people by surveying their preferences. In retrospect I probably should have done that with my wife before marrying her.

KELLY: >That’s my soulmate.

Really?

MARTIN: Yes. You see the modern study of demographics doesn’t just break people down into groups by age, gender and ethnicity--you have education, region, family size and type, marital status--

KELLY: >I want to rip my leg off and beat myself with it.

[KELLY turns to DAN and RAYNE again as MARTIN’s lips continue to move, he is talking, unaware that her thoughts and focus has shifted elsewhere.]

DAN: The Godfather movies.

KELLY: >Looks like Dan’s moved from music to movies. His favorite movie is the Godfather trilogy. Shocker, huh? He likes all three, but if he had to pick, Part II would be his favorite.

DAN: If I had to pick, Part II would be my favorite. But I like all three.

KELLY: >Now he’s gonna segue into baseball and start with the Yankees.

RAYNE: You really like Part III? Even with his daughter?

DAN: It wasn’t that bad--compared to the first two, maybe. But not compared to most movies in general.

RAYNE: I don’t know--I thought she was pretty awful [Imitating Sofia Coppola from Godfather III] “Dad?”

[DAN and RAYNE laugh again.]

DAN: That’s a good one. [Pause] You know, you have really pretty eyes.

[RAYNE smiles.]

RAYNE: Thanks.

[KELLY watches DAN and RAYNE for a quiet moment. Silence.]

MARTIN: --and that doesn’t even take into account metaphysical considerations.

[KELLY slowly turns back to MARTIN as her focus shifts.]

MARTIN: So, Kelly, tell me. What’s your sign?

KELLY: Uh-huh. Is that Rayne over there?

MARTIN: What?

KELLY: Rayne. She works in your office, right?

MARTIN: Do you know Rayne?

KELLY: >Never met her before in my life.

Only in passing. How about we go over and say hi?

>Rayne works with Martin in the business office, she’s an accountant. Thank you, Raul.

MARTIN: You want to go over there?

KELLY: Yeah, why not? It’ll be fun.

MARTIN: That’s really not how these things go usually. [Short Pause.] You know, I tell you about me and you tell me about you and we sit and talk. Together. Alone.

KELLY: Come on.

MARTIN: This is really not how these things are supposed to go. Do you like old movies?

[KELLY ignores him and gets up. MARTIN watches her, then follows, slowly. KELLY leaves her purse behind.]

DAN: Actually, my favorite sport is baseball. I’m a big Yankee fan.

KELLY: >Looks like Dan’s finally moving up to the heavy artillery. I was late but I was right.

[DAN and RAYNE look up to see KELLY and MARTIN.]

MARTIN: Hi.

RAYNE: Hi. [Silence.] Oh. Dan, this is Martin. He works with me in the business office.

DAN: Hi.

MARTIN: Hi. [Pause. Looking at KELLY] Do you mind if Kelly and I join you?

[DAN and RAYNE look at each other for a quick, puzzled moment.]

DAN: [Short pause] Well, I don’t know if--

RAYNE: --I ... guess not.

MARTIN: It’s okay, we could just go back to where—

[KELLY sits.]

KELLY: --Thanks. That’s really nice of you.

[MARTIN sits.]

RAYNE: Um--Martin Michaelson, Dan Lanzetta.

[MARTIN and DAN shake hands. KELLY holds out her hand to RAYNE.]

KELLY: Kelly Donovan.

RAYNE: Rayne Storm. [Pause.] I hate my parents. They never really left the sixties.

MARTIN: Actually you and Kelly know each other. She works in programming.

RAYNE: We do?

KELLY: We only met in passing. Once.

RAYNE: I’m sorry, I don’t remember. Where was it?

KELLY: It was a long time ago... The Christmas Party, I think.

RAYNE: [Short pause.] I started in February.

KELLY: Oh. It must’ve been some other time.

[Silence.]

RAYNE: So you work in programming, too?

KELLY: Yeah.

RAYNE: Dan here works in programming.

[DAN and KELLY turn and “recognize” each other.]

KELLY: I knew I knew you from somewhere.

DAN: Yeah. That’s right. I’m sorry what was your name again? Karen?

KELLY: Kelly.

DAN: Right. [Silence.] So, you guys work at the station, too, huh?

MARTIN: Yeah.

RAYNE: And Raul set you two up as well?

MARTIN: Yeah.

DAN: That’s quite a coincidence.

[KELLY nods and smiles.]

KELLY: >Shut up, Dan.

So Rayne. You work in accounting, right?

RAYNE: Yeah. How did you--? Oh that’s right. Gosh--why don’t I remember you?

KELLY: Believe me. I understand.

RAYNE: But--yeah. I work in accounting.

DAN: Rayne passed the CPA test on her first try.

KELLY: You must come from some family. What do your parents do?

RAYNE: They spent a lot of time following the Grateful Dead around. Now they don’t do anything.

KELLY: Oh. [Short pause.] So, Do you like it? Accounting?

RAYNE: No. Not really.

KELLY: Oh. [Pause] Are you looking for a new job, then?

RAYNE: No.

KELLY: But you don’t like accounting?

RAYNE: No.

KELLY: Okay.

[Silence.]

DAN: So, Martin. What do you do?

MARTIN: Oh. I work in Marketing. [Pause.] I like it.

DAN: That’s good.

MARTIN: Yeah.

[Silence. The COFFEE HOUSE GUY steps up to the table.]

COFFEE GUY: Would you folks like anything else?

KELLY: >Thank you god.

[RAYNE and DAN exchange a look, shaking their heads.]

DAN: Uh--no. Thanks.

[COFFEE GUY starts to leave, when KELLY stops him.]

KELLY: Rayne, you really should try some of their coffee here. It’s really good. I mean, that’s what I hear.

RAYNE: Uh ... No. That’s okay. Maybe some other time.

DAN: No. You’re right. That is a good idea. Thanks, Karen.

KELLY: Kelly.

DAN: Right. Get what you’d like, Rayne. [Looking straight at KELLY] My treat.

COFFEE GUY: Do you know what type you’d like?

RAYNE: I’m not really sure. [Laughing] I usually just drink Folgers.

KELLY: Oooh. Rayne. There was this Coffee a friend of mine was telling me about that they have here. It’s supposed to be really great. Jamaican Blue, I think it’s called.

[DAN who was taking a drink of his coffee nearly spits it out.]

KELLY: Are you okay, Dan?

DAN: I’m fine.

RAYNE: Jamaican Blue? That sounds good. What do you think, Dan?

[DAN glares at KELLY.]

DAN: Sure. That’s fine.

COFFEE GUY: Really. Wow. I’ll have to go in back and find some. That stuff’s really expensive. They don’t even let us brew it.

KELLY: >Like thirty-eight dollars a pound expensive.

RAYNE: Oh. No. Then I’ll just have some other kind--

DAN: --No. No. That’s fine. [To the COFFEE GUY] A pound of Jamaican Blue.

[COFFEE GUY exits.]

KELLY: >I knew he was gonna do that. He’s so easy. Guinea 101--they’ll never let you think they’re cheap.

MARTIN: You know, I’m surprised you two don’t know each other better, working in the same department like you do.

DAN: Well--

KELLY: Actually--

MARTIN: It seems like you would both belong in many of the same demographic groups.

KELLY: Oh. Yeah. Probably.

MARTIN: Has Raul ever tried to set two you up?

KELLY: [Blurted, almost as a laugh] NO!

[DAN turns to KELLY.]

DAN: Why [Imitating her response]“NO!”

KELLY: I... ... just meant that Raul would never set up two people who work in the same area.

MARTIN: That’s true. He never tried to set Rayne and I up either.

RAYNE: Nope. He sure didn’t.

MARTIN: But you do seem very compatible.

RAYNE: [To DAN] Yeah, you and Karen might have made a good match.

KELLY: Kelly.

RAYNE: Right. [Pause. Looking at DAN, smiling] I guess it’s a good thing for me he didn’t set you up.

DAN: Yeah.

KELLY: >Actually it did happen. Raul told me I should go out with Dan. I told him to shut up and get me a date.

RAYNE: So, Dan, you were saying that you’re a big Yankee fan?

KELLY: >Yeah. He pretty much lives and dies with them.

DAN: Yeah. I pretty much live and die with them.

KELLY: >Did I mention his ideal date: Taking a girl to Yankee Stadium and singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”. Charming, huh?

MARTIN: I don’t ... really like baseball.

KELLY: >I think I love you Martin. [Staring straight at Dan] Me, neither. I hate it.

[DAN looks from KELLY to MARTIN.]

DAN: [To Martin] You don’t like baseball?

MARTIN: Not really. I don’t. No. .

DAN: You don’t like baseball?

MARTIN: No. I play raquetball.

DAN: But you don’t like baseball?

MARTIN: No. It’s not really my demographic. It’s like that movie, Field of Dreams. I don’t know if you remember, but we broadcast it last year at the station, and it rated very high among white, middle-income 18-47 year-old males from suburban nuclear families.

DAN: Huh?

MARTIN: And my parents were divorced. Like me.

DAN: I’m not from the suburbs.

MARTIN: I’m sure that’s true, but--

DAN: No. I am not from the suburbs. New York City, buddy.

[Long silence.]

RAYNE: I never really liked baseball, myself, but... I think I might be willing to learn.

[RAYNE smiles at DAN.]

KELLY: >Willing to learn? What’s she gonna do, go to umpire school?!!

RAYNE: [Pause.] You don’t follow the Yankees around the country or anything like that do you?

DAN: No. Not at all.

RAYNE: That’s good.

[KELLY stares as RAYNE and DAN smile at each other.]

KELLY: So, Martin. You have really nice shoulders. Do you work out?

MARTIN: Oh. Thank you. Yes, I do actually. Five days a week. For about a year. Since the divorce. I figured it would help my stress level.

KELLY: That’s really great. It’s nice to meet a man who actually goes out and does something athletic, instead of sitting at home and watching someone else do it on T.V. [DAN turns from RAYNE to KELLY.] I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you--I’m sure you do a lot of athletic things. When you aren’t watching your team.

DAN: I do.

KELLY: I’m sure.

[Silence.]

RAYNE: So.

MARTIN: So. [Pause.] This is really awkward.

RAYNE: It’s a little unusual.

MARTIN: Yeah--this isn’t really how these things are supposed to go. Usually.

RAYNE: Well, I don’t know what to do. I feel totally at sea.

MARTIN: That’s dating for you. Maybe Kelly and I should go back to our table and leave you two--

KELLY: Scuba lessons!

[DAN, MARTIN and RAYNE all turn to KELLY.]

KELLY: Did I tell you guys about the semester that I took scuba lessons? [No Response.] I was just thinking because you were saying that you felt at sea. And then Martin said dating and I thought scuba.

>Let’s see if I can pull this one out of my ass.

It means self contained underwater breathing apparatus. You know, you’re lost, you’re at sea in the world of dating and you need to find your way... ... ...Anyway I had lessons. [Short pause.] Okay--it’s my senior year in college and I need two extra credits to graduate. So I’m thinking--Hey scuba lessons--sounds fun, right? It was the most hellish experience of my life. Kind of like a blind date--except it lasted fourteen weeks. And had a final exam.

[KELLY laughs. No one else does.]

KELLY: So I go out to the lake for the final. They had the final at Lake Mead so we could get a feel for the real thing. A genuine scuba experience if you will. And of course I get there late--which I never do. And because I’m late, all the good equipment is taken. And let me tell you, I’m not exactly Jasques Cousteau to begin with. So I put on the equipment and I plod down to the boat and get in. We go out a little ways and then all the members of the Las Vegas Junior Frogman’s Society start flipping off the boat backwards into the lake. So I’m sitting there feeling sucky and stupid when it occurs to me that I’m the only one left on the boat. I finally get up the nerve and jump in. And this humongous cloud of dirt and mud comes up. You’re supposed to take off your mask and clear it as soon as you jump in-- which I forget to do--probably because I can’t see with the mud cloud around me. And, of course, the mask starts to fill with muddy water. You’re also supposed to clear your mouthpiece. You’re supposed to take it out of your mouth and throw it over your shoulder and then put it back in your mouth and blow or something. I’m about to do that when I realize that I’m floating back to the top. I don’t have enough weight on my belt. The instructor grabs me and pulls me back down. And I’m thinking, I paid for this? As soon as he lets go I, of course, start floating back up again and I decide to start kicking and swim myself back down to the bottom, which kicks up even more dirt and mud then before. Then I decide to try and clear my mouthpiece. I throw it over my shoulder and reach back for it, and I can’t find it--because my mask has now filled with muddy water. So there I was like Pigpen, kicking up a giant mudcloud around me, blind, frantically searching for my mouthpiece while floating slowly to back the top –the absolute worst experience of my life one big, giant, muddy mess!

DAN: And to top it off she got a speeding ticket on the way home.

[MARTIN and RAYNE slowly turn to DAN.]

DAN: Shit.

RAYNE: Oh, my god.

KELLY: >Okay this sucks pretty bad.

Oh my god is right--how did you know that about me?

DAN: Give it up, Kelly.

KELLY: Were you eavesdropping on me at work?

DAN: Kelly!!!

MARTIN: You two ... know each other?

RAYNE: Of course they know each other!

DAN: Sorry?

KELLY: Can I tell you how much I hate you right now?

DAN: Hate me? It was your idea. I didn’t even want to come here tonight!

RAYNE: You didn’t even want to... What is this some sick game you guys play?

KELLY: No!

DAN: No! [Short Pause] It was an accident. We were just covering for each other.

RAYNE: Covering for each other?

DAN: Well you know these things can be really awkward.

RAYNE: And you thought this would make it better?

DAN: No! I just thought that—

KELLY: Shut up, Dan. Just Shut up.

[Long silence.]

MARTIN: You know, this never happened to me before.

RAYNE: People today have no morals.

MARTIN: I agree.

RAYNE: It’s everywhere. Just look at politics.

MARTIN: That’s why I voted for Perot.

RAYNE: [Short pause] Really? Me too.

[RAYNE and MARTIN stare at each other for a moment, then RAYNE stands up and grabs her purse.]

DAN: Where are you going?

[RAYNE glares at DAN.]

DAN: I guess you’re leaving, huh? [Pause.] Bye.

RAYNE: You both have major problems. You’re very obsessive people. Believe me. I’d know.

[RAYNE gets up, as does MARTIN. MARTIN turns again to KELLY and DAN.]

MARTIN: You know, this really never happened to me before.

RAYNE: [To Dan] And by the way, I was lying. I really hate baseball.

[MARTIN turns to RAYNE as they start out.]

MARTIN: You hate baseball? Me, too.

RAYNE: [Looking at MARTIN as if for the first time] That’s great!!!

MARTIN: Do you like old movies?

[MARTIN and RAYNE exit. KELLY glares at DAN. Finally he looks at her.]

DAN: What?!

KELLY: What do you mean “what”? You did that on purpose.

DAN: No I didn’t! [Pause.] And you didn’t say you were gonna come over and sit with us.

KELLY: And you didn’t say you were gonna be feeling her up right in front of me.

DAN: I was not feeling her up.

KELLY: You know, friends or not, that’s pretty classless, throwing that in my face.

DAN: It’s a date, Kelly. What did you think I’d do? Punch her in the nose?

KELLY: She wasn’t even your type.

DAN: What is that supposed to mean?

KELLY: I don’t know, she seemed a little thin, Dan. I don’t think she had wide enough birthing hips for you!

DAN: [Short pause.] What was all that stuff about Martin’s shoulders?

KELLY: Hey--if you can do it--

DAN: --The stupid sissy’s dad was teaching him how to knit while the rest of us were playing catch.

KELLY: At least he knows how to say Celtic.

DAN: Oh and you’re an expert on Celtic culture or something?!

KELLY: I’M IRISH!!!

DAN: SO?!!! [Pause] Look, if you didn’t want to see me with another girl, you should’ve just met Sissy Boy someplace else.

KELLY: I was going to, but I didn’t want to abandon you!!! You know, I was supposed to find my soulmate tonight.

DAN: You were supposed to find what?!

KELLY: Why should I have to go someplace else?

DAN: You don’t like coffee!!

KELLY: They Serve Juice. I like Juice. [Pause.] I didn’t want to go on a blind date in the first place.

DAN: Then why did you set it up?!

KELLY: I don’t know. Maybe to see if you’d stop me, you stupid Guinea.

DAN: I hate it when you call me that.

KELLY: I actually thought that after we held hands, you might get some guts.

DAN: I did not hold your hand! [No response.] I was helping you up!

KELLY: You didn’t let go for fifteen minutes.

DAN: Neither did you.

KELLY: Right.

DAN: Right. One minute you’re holding my hand and the next you’re going to our Remote Segment director and asking him to set us up on blind dates.

KELLY: I was trying to see--

DAN: Bullshit. You’re just jealous that someone likes me. That’s all.

KELLY: Jealous?!! Please. There is no way Rayne Storm would like you.

DAN: Why not?

KELLY: Do you really think little miss CPA was going to learn baseball for you? There is no way she’d stay interested in the Yankees when they drop three out of four to Detroit at home!

DAN: [Pause.] How did you know they lost three out of four to Detroit?

KELLY: I watch CNN. Detroit sucks, Dan.

DAN: You’ve been watching the Yankee scores for me?

KELLY: I wouldn’t have if I’d known you were going to whisper sweet nothings to her right next to me.

DAN: What are you talking about?

KELLY: Gee, Dan, I don’t know. Something to do with you telling her how pretty her eyes were.

DAN: I didn’t know.

KELLY: You never once told me I had pretty eyes, Dan.

DAN: That’s not fair. [Pause.] I love your eyes.

[KELLY turns to DAN.]

KELLY: Don’t you even try it!

DAN: Try what?

KELLY: Just forget about it, okay?

DAN: I don’t want to forget about it. Her eyes were okay, but they’re not like--

KELLY: Fine, Dan. Okay. Come on. Get it over with. What do my eyes look like?

>He’s gotta start. He always does this. He’ll make up some big flowery comment about my eyes and then my hair and then--

DAN: --Home. They look like home.

[Silence. KELLY and DAN stare into each other’s eyes for a long moment.]

KELLY: You big jerk.

DAN: [Smiles.] I’m sorry.

KELLY: Me, too. [Laughing to herself.] Can I tell you how completely like shit I feel.

DAN: Me, too.

KELLY: I think we should quit our jobs. No, move. A small state would be good. No infrastructure to speak of. Maybe pony express. [Pause.] I wish they had an Idaho for liberals.

[The COFFEE HOUSE GUY comes over to DAN and KELLY with a large bag of coffee in a green velvet bag. He sees that RAYNE is gone and just stares at KELLY and DAN for a moment.]

COFFEE HOUSE GUY: I don’t suppose you want this anymore, do you? No.

[COFFEE HOUSE GUY picks up Martin and Rayne’s cups.]

COFFEE HOUSE GUY: Okay--If you guys want anything else, let me know. Otherwise I think we’re kinda closing.

[He starts back toward the counter, then turns back briefly.]

COFFEE HOUSE GUY: But thanks. I really enjoyed having you guys here, tonight. Really. I learned a lot about our stockroom. Really. Thank you.

[The COFFEE HOUSE WORKER exits.]

DAN: So, Celtic and Irish are the same thing, huh?

KELLY: Sort of. Like Roman and Italian.

DAN: Oh. [Pause.] That makes sense. The Boston Celtics have a shamrock on their logo.

[KELLY and DAN stand to leave. DAN holds out his hand for KELLY. She looks at it for a long moment, then takes it.]

KELLY: You should probably know. I have rotten luck, usually.

[DAN and KELLY start out together, hand in hand.]

KELLY: The last date I went on, we got into a fifteen minute discussion over which Star Trek movie Shatner’s toupee was better in.

DAN: Star Trek II. [KELLY shakes her head.] Well, you know what my ideal date is.

KELLY: Yankee Stadium. Take me out to the ballgame. [Short pause--a lightbulb goes off in Kelly’s head] There’s musical notes involved in “Take me out to the ballgame!”

DAN: What?

KELLY: Never mind.

>Close enough.

[They’re about to exit, when she stops for a moment.]

KELLY: Oh. I forgot my purse.

[KELLY steps back to the table she was sharing with Martin and grabs her purse. She starts back toward DAN.]

KELLY: >That’s Dan. He likes me.

[KELLY takes DAN’s hand and they exit, together.]

 

END OF PLAY

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