A monologue by Mayme Riddle Bitney

NOTE: This monologue was originally published in Monologues Grave and Gay. Mayme Riddle Bitney. Chicago: T.S. Denison & Company, 1911. It is now a public domain work and may be performed without royalties.

SUSAN BOGGS: Come in, Reuben. Have a chair. [Pause.] This is a real nice day, except fer the wind blowin' an' bein' sort of cold, an' fer that shower we had this mornin'. Paw's real well -- aside from a little touch of lumbago. Maw's enjoyin' real poor health -- sort of neuralgy in the head. Our crop's lookin' fine. You just oughter see our taters. It beats all how they're growin'. [Pause.] How's your mother now? Feelin' real miserable? You think she has to work too hard? Wal, I think so, too. The truth is she needs some one to take the burden of work off 'er shoulders. If you'd jest git married, now, an' take a good, strong wife home to help 'er -- What? That's jest what yer folks say? Wal, I should think ye'd mind 'em long as the Bible says childrun obey yer parents. Now there's Emmeline Gilbert. She's a good housekeeper an' -- oh, you don't want her? Then Car'line Tayler ought to -- What? She's too cranky? Wal, it seems like there ought ter be some one ye'd fancy, Reuben. Oh, there is some one ye want? They why don't ye git tied up? A fellow ain't got much grit if he can't pop the question to a girl. That's what yer folks say? Wal, they ought ter know. What? You've got something to tell me? All right. [Moves chair as if getting closer to him.] Oh [in disappointed tone], you've bought five new cows? [Hopefully.] Then I should think you'd jest have ter git a wife to help take care of all that extry milk. What? You've thought that -- what is it you've thought, Reuben? [Moves chair closer.] Oh, [very disappointed tone] you've thought you'd plant the south forty all to corn? [Cheerfully.] That'll make extry men to cook fer when huskin' time comes. Seems like you'll have to git some one ter help yer mother, sure.

You ain't never goin' ter be hung fer yer beauty, Reuben, but they's a lot of girls that'd be willin' ter marry ye. What? That's what yer folks say? They surely ought ter know. They's going ter be quite a few weddin's this summer. I'm thinkin' some of gettin' married myself. George Melcher'd be awful tickled ter git me, an' I spose I might's well make up my mind ter take 'im. Maw don't really need me at home any longer sence Dollie's gettin' to be so much help. What? You've thought that -- what is it you've thought, Reuben? Oh [hopelessly], that it's real warm fer this time of year? Yes, I spose it is. I should think you'd git married, Reuben, when so many other fellers does. That's what yer folks says? Wal, they surely ought ter know what's best. I don't know's I'd think of takin' George Melcher if anybody else wanted me. What? Somebody else does want me? [Very coaxingly.] Now who in the world is it? Oh-h-h-h, you don't know? I was in hopes you'd tell me, Reuben. [Moving chair closer.] Now if it was you that wanted me, Reuben, why -- what? You do want me? Do you mean you want ter marry me, Reuben? You do? Wal, if that's the case, you can have me. What a fool you were not to tell me so a long time ago! What? That's what yer folks says? Wal, they oughter know, I guess!

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