Part III of the Mint Juleps Trilogy


Copyright © 2005 by Nick Zagone

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All 21-years-old

[ROBERTA and BRAD are in ROBERTA'S car making out.]

BRAD: Hold on.

ROBERTA: What? What is it? Is it my breath? Oh my god. You don't like how I kiss…

BRAD: No. No, it's fine! You're great. You're beautiful.

ROBERTA: Well then what is it?

BRAD: Do you like it when men treat you like shit?

ROBERTA: Men don't treat me like shit honey.

BRAD: Well I bought you like, this really nice drink last week, the Mint Julep, you remember?

ROBERTA: Oh yea, right. I forgot about that!

BRAD: Well you like, laughed at me, ya know? But I go make-out with Michelle…

ROBERTA: I laughed at you? Is that bad? So I laughed at you.

BRAD: You didn’t like it.

ROBERTA: Brad. It’s a Mint Julep.

BRAD: The point is, you dissed me and then I go make out with Michelle and here we are!

ROBERTA: I was saving you! Michelle has GonocacaHerpes! What is the problem here Brad? Here I am!

BRAD: Well, I'm wondering if women like a caveman who balances his checkbook during a party or a dad figure who cages up their daughters.

ROBERTA: Brad. You're scaring me. What are you talking about?

BRAD: Well. Hammish told me, if I made out with Michelle you'd come over and break it up because I wouldn't be paying any attention to you. And it seems to have worked.

ROBERTA: Hammish said that?

BRAD: He says if you treat women like shit and don't pay any attention to them, they'll be all over you. But, I think it's just his good looks and how he dresses, but then he'll tell me to do something like this and it works so… really I don't fucking know.

ROBERTA: Hammish is pretty smart isn't he. Is he really going to Chile with Rose?

BRAD: I don't know how Rose puts up with his shit frankly.

ROBERTA: Maybe Hammish hasn't found the right woman.

BRAD: I don't want to treat women like shit all the time ya know, I mean like being all covert and playing games like this. I don't want to use people to get you or act a certain way. I just want you to like me because I'm Brad ya know? I like you and want you because you're you, shouldn’t that be the way things… should be?

ROBERTA: Jesus Brad I didn't know you were such a pussy.

[Becca enters sopping wet, weeping. She gets in the backseat.]

ROBERTA: Oh my God, what happened to you honey? You smell like barroom floor!

BECCA: Tom threw a beer in my face.

BRAD: Tom what?

ROBERTA: Tom threw a beer in your face? Oh my God, that's it, Tom is toast, I am so sick of that little shit, I'm going to kick his ass.

BRAD: See, no, that's gotta be a mistake.

ROBERTA: A mistake? Are you saying my little Becca is lying? Are you lying Rebecca?

BECCA: I knew I shouldn't have talked. I'm never talking again. I hate talking. I wish I was back in the play. On the stage. Where everything is prewritten.

ROBERTA: Look at her, she's damaged mentally, she's not making any sense, this could be like a turning point in her life!

BRAD: No, no look Becca, Tom likes you, he does, he probably only threw a beer in your face because Hammish told him to.

BECCA: Why would Hammish tell Tom to throw a beer in my face?

BRAD: To get you to like him! He's not being mean. Mean guys don't throw beer in women's faces without a reason!

ROBERTA: Really? Then what do mean guys do?

BRAD: They ignore you! See? It's all really very easy to explain.

BECCA: What?

ROBERTA: Actually Brad speaks the truth. Tom does like you Becca.

BECCA: I am so confused. [a beat] What are you two doing in here?

ROBERTA: Oh Brad's opening up and sharing his feelings with me. You ain't missing anything.

[Tom enters and gets in the back seat with Becca.]

TOM: There you are…

ROBERTA: Tom you are such a little shit. I'm gonna kick your ass.

TOM: I'm sorry okay, I…

BECCA: Get away from me…

ROBERTA: Look Tom if you like Becca you don't have to throw a beer in her face okay?

TOM: I’m sorry.

BRAD: Hey Tom.

TOM: Hey. It worked huh? The Michelle thing?

BRAD: Yea. Sort of.

ROBERTA: Hey, we're not talking about us Mr. Misogynist beer thrower.

TOM: Look, let me get you a drink, A Coors Light? You want a Coors Light? Or what do they drink in the theatre crowd? Like Heineken? You want a Heineken? Come on, I'll get you a Heineken. I got it. A Long Island Iced Tea! New York, Broadway? Huh? Long Island? Get it?

BECCA: I'm not talking.

ROBERTA: You've ruined her Tom. She's all messed up. You've ruined her for life. Just like Rose.

BRAD: Rose?

ROBERTA: Oh. You haven't heard?

BRAD: You screwed Hammish's girlfriend?

TOM: No, no, no I didn't. And she's not his girlfriend! Who said that anyway? Who said she’s his girlfriend? I didn't! Hammish didn't! Hammish doesn't care. She just thinks she's his girlfriend because he treats her like shit!

BRAD: What the hell is going on here Tom?!

BECCA: That makes no sense! None of this makes any sense!

TOM: I would personally like to buy everyone a Coors Light and we can forget about all this. Here. Becca here's some money to dry clean your blouse and here's some money for your hair and… here, here just take all the money in my wallet.

BECCA: I don't want it.

TOM: Okay. Okay. Okay you heard her she doesn't want my money so I'm taking it back. Okay, you heard her!

BRAD: Tom, you're such a fucker ya know that? You're so full of shit. You and your tight ass pigtail pulling bullshit. Becca, don't even go near the guy. Berta's right I should just kick your ass.

[A pause.]


TOM: Yea?

ROBERTA: Wasn't Robert supposed to be here?

TOM: Rob? Uh, yea, he's supposed to.

BRAD: Robert? What do you mean Robert?

TOM: Yea, actually he was in fact, and um… as I remember he said he was looking forward to meeting up with you.

BRAD: Shut up Tom. That's bullshit.

TOM: It's not. Ask her.

ROBERTA: I'm not saying anything.

BRAD: Right. You like Robert? (Beat) Then what's THIS all about? What are you all about? All right, cards on the table time, Roberta I really like you and…

ROBERTA: I think I heard this already.

BRAD: All right. I am going to go get Michelle, and I am going to stick my tongue down her throat and then I am going to go make passionate love to her, and I am going to make her my wife, and we are going to have children and be happy and grow old together in a big house and I'm going to retire and play golf at our club in Palm Springs, and, and, I'm going to be rich and famous and have affairs with beautiful young women and I'm going to die and they're going to name a foundation in my name and send poor kids to college and they'll name a baseball stadium in my name and you, you, you're going to want me. I'm going to get you back boy, when I'm dead and gone, you're going to be sorry! Know why?

ROBERTA: I'll bite. Why Brad?

BRAD: Because Robert, Robert will never, ever buy you a Mint Julep. He’ll never buy you a Mint Julep like I did.

[Brad slams the car door and exits. A beat.]

ROBERTA: Yea!? Well same to you fuckchop!

TOM: Whoa. That was so cool.


BECCA: Roberta?

ROBERTA: Yes hon, we're going home very soon.

TOM: Oh Roberta? Um. Robert actually wasn't sure if he was going to make it. He was supposed to call you. I was kind of lying to piss off Brad.

ROBERTA: Robert’s supposed to call me if what? He wasn't going to make it?

TOM: Uh. He didn't say.

ROBERTA: Does anyone have a light?

[Hammish enters and lights Roberta's cig.]

HAMMISH: Here baby.

ROBERTA: Hammish! Thank you honey.

HAMMISH: Well, well what's the little story here? Are you chauffeuring these two lovebirds around?

ROBERTA: Come on in Hammish, it's a party!

HAMMISH: I thought I heard some yelling.

ROBERTA: Well the real party is out here hot stuff.

TOM: Hey Hammish.

HAMMISH: Hey Becca, sorry abut ol' Tom here, see he's a man stuck in a fourteen year old's body. I was just having fun with him. I tell him things and he does them, that's our relationship. In all honesty we were just goofing around and that beer was a byproduct of my indiscretions, I hope you understand. Did you tell her about Christy Corbett?

TOM: No.

HAMMISH: You should hear that story Becca; it really shows what kind of person he really is.

BECCA: Christy Corbett?

HAMMISH: He pulled on this girl's pigtails when he was in grade school and it gave him a boner. It's actually very amusing.

[Becca laughs.]

TOM: Yea. I'm funny.

ROBERTA: Say Hammish I've been meaning to tell you about some information I found out about Tom and Rose… I think you'll be interested to know…

HAMMISH: Say Becca good job in the play by the way.

BECCA: You saw it?

HAMMISH: Yea! Tom and me saw it last week.

BECCA: Really?

HAMMISH: When your lover left you at the train station with just that pen. Man that really got me. Why Tom turned to me right then and said…

TOM: He got killed in the war right?

BECCA: Well that's kind of left up to you to decide.

HAMMISH: See that's what I said! But Tom turned to me and said, "Fuck man he's a goner." That's what you said…

TOM: What I meant was he's probably not coming back either way dude.

HAMMISH: You're not supposed to know see, you're supposed to debate it like we're doing …

BECCA: It doesn't matter! The main thing is you went to see my show. I appreciate that.

HAMMISH: Hey man, wouldn't miss it. Far be it from me to shy away from some good drama. Now what was it you were saying there sunshine?

ROBERTA: Me? Oh. I was wondering if you had Camel, I fucking hate Marlboro's.

HAMMISH: Oh, no I don't. Just some American Spirit's.

TOM: Becca, you wanna go back in the party? I bet they got another shirt at the house or somethin' to put on.

BECCA: Um. [looks to Roberta]

ROBERTA: Go ahead! I'm not your mommy.

BECCA: All right.

[Tom and Becca exit.]

ROBERTA: You're sweet.

HAMMISH: Yea, I'm a peach. [beat] Somethin’ wrong? You look a little…

ROBERTA: Can I… Can I just put my head on your shoulder for a minute?

HAMMISH: I was gonna say you look a little like you need a shoulder. Sure.

[Roberta nestles in]

ROBERTA: What's it all about Hammish?

HAMMISH: Well, I tell ya. I been thinkin' that myself. That's why I'm going to Chile.

ROBERTA: Why Chile?

HAMMISH: I don't know. Figured I'd climb a mountain in the Andes, find a wise man or something.

ROBERTA: By yourself.

HAMMISH: Yea. I'm not a good person to be around people. At least not right now.

ROBERTA: You could get a cat.

HAMMISH: Yea. I could get a cat. Cats are nice.

ROBERTA: I'm not good for people either. I tend to upset them.

HAMMISH: Is that right? So where are you going to go?

ROBERTA: I hear Oregon's nice. But I'll probably just go to an outlet Mall.

[Rose enters, drunk.]

ROSE: Excuse a fucking me.

HAMMISH: Maybe you could take Rose.

ROSE: Do you mind there bitchy bitch getting your head off my fucking boyfriend.

HAMMISH: Hi Rose. Berta here needed a shoulder.

ROSE: She doesn't need shit, except for maybe a nose job. She can go get Robert's shoulder if she needs a shoulder.

ROBERTA: Rose, your drunk. Don't say anything you're going to regret.

ROSE: How. Dare. You. You have no right to judge me you pill popping hussy. I'll take you. I could take you. You've always wanted Hammish, but he's not yours-- we're going to Brazil!


ROSE: Chile! Chile together. See! Chile. So hands off do you hear me? Hands…

[Rose throws up.]


HAMMISH: All right love muffin, the party's over. [to Roberta] It was nice talkin' to ya.

ROBERTA: So. When are you takin' off Hammish? I'd love to talk more ya know…

HAMMISH: Tomorrow. United Air. Early flight. [beat] Sorry. [beat] I really… Here. Here's my lighter. You can have it.

ROBERTA: Thanks. Really. Thanks.

HAMMISH: Say Roberta?


HAMMISH: Take care of Rose. Tomorrow. Huh?


HAMMISH: You goin' in?


HAMMISH: To the party?

ROBERTA: No. I'm waitin' for a phone call.

[Hammish carries out Rose.]

[Roberta crawls back in the car. She lights a smoke with Hammish's lighter.]


[Her cell phone rings.]

[She takes it out and is about to answer. But doesn't… she sets it down.]

ROBERTA: I'm not talking. I’m not talking.

[Phone keeps ringing.]


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